I had a one-night stand and it bothers me

 source vangard

Dear Aunty Julie,

My cousin had his 30th birthday party and I got so drunk and had a one night stand with a guy at a club and it happened very fast without us getting to know each other too much first. The problem is, the next day I felt extremely sad and depressed. I felt like I’ve been used and felt cheap.

I was also sad that he didn’t ask me for my phone number or my name even though I wasn’t interested in him. I felt unattractive and worthless. Is it normal to feel this way? Do guys also feel this way too? How can I get over this post-one-night-stand depression?

Aishatu, Lagos

Dear Aishatu,

No strings attached doesn’t always equate to no feelings attached. Whether you feel sad, confused, or even empowered, it is perfectly normal to have different emotions after a one night stand. You may find that engaging in casual sex is not positive for your emotional health. Studies have shown that at some point or another, most people feel that sex is more meaningful or enjoyable if it is with a partner that they are emotionally invested with.

Self-reflection is key to sorting out your emotions. Asking yourself some important questions can help you move forward. For example, what kind of relationship would you like to have with romantic partners? What role do you think casual sex will play for you in the future?

These questions may help you better understand the pros and cons of different sexual situations you may encounter in the future. In the meantime, if you’re feeling down and out, keep your chin up! There are various ways to cope with your feelings.

In regards to gender differences, statistics indicate that more men than women enjoy participating in casual sex. However, this may be the result of a greater social stigma surrounding women who engage in casual sex than for men. That is, women who engage in casual sex are more likely to be viewed as promiscuous.

As a result, studies also indicate that women were less likely to engage in casual sex with strangers in comparison to men. Despite these gender differences though, it is important to remember that people of all genders can have strong feelings after a one night stand.

If the days are flying by and your feelings still linger, remember that sorting out your emotions may take some time. By treating yourself to some quality thinking time, exploring your emotions, and being patient, you can feel confident and balanced again.

I don’t think I still love him

Dear Julie,

I have been dating my guy for five years but things are not working out as they should. We have been having conflicts . I don’t think that I love him anymore! My friends think I should take things easy and give the relationship another chance but I’m confused. What should I do?

Juliana, Ughelli

Dear Juliana,

Falling out of love with a boyfriend of five years is normal. Exploring your feelings regarding your boyfriend and the reasons why you may have fallen out of love with him may be a helpful first start for deciding what you “should” do.

Sometimes “falling out of love” is due to withheld anger, outgrowing the other partner, changing your mind, and/or developing or acknowledging different priorities. Sometimes it has more to do with one’s self than it has to do with the other partner. Although it’s unclear whether you believe that falling out of love with your boyfriend is itself the “problem” or whether having problems with your boyfriend led you to fall out of love with him, it doesn’t hurt to be a little introspective and examine more closely what may have led you to feel (or not feel) the way that you do.

You seem conflicted about the thought of not loving your boyfriend anymore. As such, you may want to consider asking yourself the following questions. Does the fact that you may not love your boyfriend anymore bother you? How long have you felt this way? Do the two of you have mutual respect, friendship, and trust? Do you feel that your relationship is a caring one? Does your relationship enhance or diminish who you are?

Do you feel that you need some time apart? Can you picture him as a life partner? What would your ideal relationship (with or without your boyfriend) look like? Have you discussed this issue with someone you trust, such as a friend? Even so, have you considered talking to your boyfriend about this? While it may not be such a comfortable conversation to have, your boyfriend may certainly appreciate your honesty and your openness with your feelings.

In addition, he may be having his own feelings about the relationship as well. Open and honest communication, in any relationship, is key to expressing wants, needs, and desires. Perhaps such a discussion would be a good opportunity to communicate what you like/don’t like about your relationship and how to improve it. Still, you may decide that taking some time apart would be a good experience for both of you, or that breaking up would be the way to go.

I can’t get over my divorce

Aunty Julie,

I’m a man of 38 years who is going through a divorce. The process is so painful because of what I passed through in the hands of my ex wife. We have been living apart for sometime now but the problem is that I haven’t really been able to talk to any girl since our breakup. We haven’t really signed any divorce papers, so I feel very obligated to stay faithful to her even though our relationship as we know it is over and done with.

Will I still have this problem even when we actually get divorced? And will I forever feel bad about making the first move to end this relationship? For the past three months, I could neither sleep nor concentrate on my career. My commitment to her and my love for her was the only thing that helped my to go on with my life. Now that’s over, I am totally lost. My family thinks she fed me with a love portion. Please help me with my problem.

Sunkanmi, Ibadan

Dear Sunkanmi,

Passing through a divorce or separating from a partner is one of the most significant stressors life can throw at you, and the sometimes overwhelming feelings of guilt, distraction, and disorientation you are experiencing are so normal as to almost be expected. Knowing that these emotions are common might not seem to make them easier to handle, but it might bring some comfort to know that the process of grief and loss is indeed universal.

People cope with loss differently. Some cling to feelings of remorse, guilt, and a notion that if they remain faithful to the relationship, they might be able to save it. Others feel numb and closed off from themselves and others. In both cases, it can be very helpful to focus on who you are, who you want to be, goals for your future, and tangible steps you can take get there

It’s hard to offer a guess as to when you might start to feel better, whether it’s when the divorce becomes official or sometime before or after that. But allowing yourself to feel how you’re feeling and to fall apart a little bit may be an essential part of recovering your sleep and work habits, and emerging back into your life in a new way.

You cannot rush the grieving process. Many people report that after letting themselves come undone, they are able to put themselves back together stronger than before. The path of healing may seem like an impossible uphill journey, but all mountains are climbed one step at a time.